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Stinky D -10th Birthday  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D -10th Birthday  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
I try so often to imagine what you look like now. I picture you with the same beautiful blonde hair, same hair cut only taller. But I can never imagine what your face would look like. In my mind I can only see your face as an adorable 2 yr old. Double digits now. 4th grade. What would you be like? Who would your friends be? What would you be into right now? All these things I think about almost daily. We escaped for the weekend. This year just feels different. And I needed to do something different for my own sanity. But different scenery doesn't allow me to escape my own head. I kept it together pretty good yesterday. Lots of good distractions. But as the day drew to an end and all got quiet, my mind got louder and louder. Sometimes it does feel like your own mind can be your worst enemy. But now it's your birthday and Mother's Day together. I went into labor with you on Mother's Day. I always knew this day would come but thought and wish we were celebrating it differently. Being a mother is the most important thing to me. I love you all so very much. You your brother and sister are my life. And I try so hard to be a good mom. So today we celebrate you. And we celebrate all three of you. Because that is what I want this day to be. A celebration of what's most important to me. My heart misses you so much. My ears ache to hear your voice. happy birthday baby boy. Love MOM 5/14/17 Close
Stinky D 12/15/16  / Mom   Read >>
Stinky D 12/15/16  / Mom
I seem to be in a funk today, like there is a dark cloud all around me and I can't see past it. Tears are just a blink away. I feel angry at everything. Your brother and sister wrote there letters to Santa. What would you be asking for? Your stocking is hung, your tree is decorated at that just makes me more sad. Still waiting for the day they say will come. When I think about you and smile more than cry. I gave my lunch to a homeless man today. He was so greatful, and it made my heart hurt more. Missing you. Wishing you were here. I love you Dylan. I ll try to find the yellow. LOVE MOM Close
Stinky D - 2016  / Sabrina Mcneil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D - 2016  / Sabrina Mcneil (Mom)
I am surprised my heart still beats with the amount of pain it is feeling. I pray to GOD to please give me the answers I so desperately need so I won't have to live the rest of my life feeling this way. I am thankful for the 2 little ones still here with me. They are the bandage, the glue that keeps my heart from completely breaking. For them I am grateful. I am blessed. I see families with 3 and I am jealous. I want the chaos, the craziness, the noise of all of you together. We watched your video again. So bitter sweet. We laughed and reminisced. And we cried when we knew the video was coming to an end. Your final days. Your laugh and sisters laugh are so similar. I can only imagine the 2 of you together. I miss you more than any words can describe. It's been 7 yrs tomorrow and no less hurtful. I still can see your smile, hear your voice. I love you my little surfer dude. DylWin, Stinky D, Little Cherry, Dill Pickle, Dyl Dyl. Love you always and forever. MOM 5/12/16 Close
Where are you Christmas - Faith Hill  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Where are you Christmas - Faith Hill  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
Where Are You Christmas" Where are you Christmas Why can't I find you Why have you gone away Where is the laughter You used to bring me Why can't I hear music play My world is changing I'm rearranging Does that mean Christmas changes too Where are you Christmas Do you remember The one you used to know I'm not the same one See what the time's done Is that why you have let me go Christmas is here Everywhere, oh Christmas is here If you care, oh If there is love in your heart and your mind You will feel like Christmas all the time I feel you Christmas I know I've found you You never fade away The joy of Christmas Stays here inside us Fills each and every heart with love Where are you Christmas Fill your heart with love Close
Stinky D- Christmas  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D- Christmas  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
This morning my wave crashed. I could feel it building for a long time now, and then this song came on that sent the wave over the edge. I couldn't control the tears that were forcing their way to the surface. As my melt down started, sissy looked at me, squeezed my nose, and said "honk honk". I couldn't help but laugh. You two would have been quite the pair. I miss you. December and May always feels like my heart is breaking open all over again. This school year has been harder. There are kids in sissy's class that have older brothers your age. I see them playing together, siblings and friends and I wonder if you two would have been in that mix. Your stocking is hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St Nicholas will bring you back here. "What Childis This" What child is this Who lay to rest On Mary's lap is sleeping Whom angels greet with anthems sweet While shepherds watch are keeping So bring him incense, gold and myrrh Come peasant king to own him The King of Kings salvation brings Let loving hearts enthrone him This, this is Christ the King Whom shepherds guard and angels sing Haste, haste to bring him laud The Babe, the Son of Mary O raise, raise a song on high His mother sings a lullaby Joy, oh joy for Christ is born The Babe, the son of Mary This, this is Christ the King Whom shepherds guard and angels sing Haste, haste to bring him laud The Babe, the Son of Mary What child is this who lay to rest On Mary's lap, on Mary's lap he is sleeping This, this is Christ the King Whom shepherds guard and angels sing Haste, haste to bring him laud The Babe, the Son of Mary The Babe, the Son of Mary The Son of Mary I love you Dylan. Merry Christmas! Love, MOM. 12/18/2015 Close
My Star in Heaven  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
My Star in Heaven  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
I'm sending a dove to Heaven With a parcel on its wings Be careful when you open it It's full of beautiful things Inside are millions of kisses Wrapped up in millions of hugs To say how much I miss you And to send you all my love I hold you close within my heart And there you will remain To walk with me throughout my life Until we meet again. -unknown Close
Stinky D -8 yrs old  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D -8 yrs old  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
Hi baby. Here we are again. Another year has gone by. 8yrs old. We try to imagine what kind of birthday party you would be having. We came up with Avengers. But I still think of Winnie the pooh on your birthday. The only birthday I got to spend with you, you had a pooh bear cake. Today seemed to be extra hard this year. The weather was fitting today. Just as it was 6 yrs ago. I'm really hoping for sunshine tomorrow so we can have your birthday picnic with you. I keep imagining what you will be doing. Fishing with Grandpa Jack, a great big Grandma Amy hug and lipstick kiss on the cheek. Your big beautiful smile while blowing out your candles. What kind of cake would you have? I came across this poem today... " the moment that you left me, my heart was split in 2. One side was filled with memories, the other side died with you. I often lay awake at night when the world is fast asleep and take a walk down memory lane with tears upon my cheek. Remembering you is easy, I do it everyday. But missing you is a heartache that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain, you see life has gone on without you, but will never be the same." -unknown And a quote that says it just right... "I'll be okay... Just not today" I love you baby, Happy Birthday!!! Love, MOM 5/13-14 2015 Close
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
I worked in the classroom you may have been in today. I'm always aware of what grade you would be in, but it really hit me. These would be your classmates. This would be the math you are learning. The books, the spelling words. I saw you among them. Blonde hair bent over working in your workbook. The room stopped around me. It was what would have been. What should be. And that familiar feeling washed over me. The lump in my throat. The ache in my heart. God I miss you. I wish so much to see you there. Me working in your classroom. Watching you play with your friends at recess. I miss you Dylan. I love you just as much today. Love, Mom 3/10/15 Close
Stinky D - Five yrs  / Sabrina Mcneil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D - Five yrs  / Sabrina Mcneil (Mom)
The moment that you left me, my heart was split in two; one side was filled with memories; the other side died with you. I often lay awake at night when the world is fast asleep; and take a walk down memory lane with tears upon my check. Remembering you is easy, I do it everyday; but missing you is a heartache that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain; you see life has gone on without you, but will never be the same. -unknown I find myself at a loss of words today. I just want to bury my head under the covers and wake up on Thursday. Has it really been 5 years? So much has changed yet the ache in my heart remains the same. I wish GOD granted bereaved mothers a special wish on Mother's Day. Just to hold you and hug you one more time. Kiss your little cheeks and see that big smile. To hear your voice say mom they way you would. For you to tell me you are ok. And how much fun you are having. I read a quote " Be the kind of Mother you want them to remember". I hope you remember how much I love you, always. Love, MOM 5/13/14 Close
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
Everyone of my children have always had their own Christmas tree in their rooms. There own special ornaments. It's just not right that each year we bring your special tree to a grave site. I can't even put your ornaments on it because the weather will destroy them. Instead we hung them on our family tree. We brought you your tree today. Decorated beautifully with ribbons and candy canes. On the outside tears streamed down my cheeks. On the inside I was beating my fists against a wall, screaming at the top of my lungs. I love you and miss you so so so very much. Words cannot describe these emotions. It's love, it's anger. And so much more. Merry Christmas Dylan. Love, MOM 12/15/13 Close
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
Came home for my first time today while sissy is at school. Id been avoiding this for the last 2 weeks, making every excuse why I needed to stay in town. I knew what was awaiting me once I came home. The empty quiet house that brings back feelings from 4 yrs ago. You'd think it wouldn't affect me this way by now. I know its different. She's coming home in just a few hours. That doesn't stop the emotions from surfacing. I spent 9 months alone after you left. Brother at school, daddy at work. And those where the hardest days to survive. Really missing you today. Fitting that it's dark and raining today. Always a reminder of the moment I walked out of the hospital without you. I looked up at the sky and thought the same thing. Love MOM 9/24/12 Close
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
Big step for momma in all my irrational fears. Last night brother and sister stayed the night at grandmas house. My first time away from sissy. My irrational fear that if they are with me, then they are safe. Irrational? Yes. I only left you once. I look back on that now as time lost with you. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time leaving them. Because I don't know how much time I will get with them. Here one day and gone the next. I survived and was doing well until I woke up this morning and walked past their empty rooms. A familiar feeling hit me. Even though I knew they are safe at grandmas. That feeling made me sick to my stomach. That familiar ache in my heart. How quiet the house was. We were out the door in record time. :) I love you. Mom is trying to move forward. Sometimes it's hard when moments like that slap you in the face. Love Mom 7/13/13 Close
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
The days I wanted to write the most, this site was down. I had so much to say, but nothing new. 4 years. 6 years old. I feel like I have been in a bad mood for 4 years. Bitter, jealous, scared. I have so much to be thankful for. And I am. Some days are easier to remember, others I fall into old habits. I miss you. We watched your home video. Laughed and cried. You and sister look and sound so much alike. It made me smile and my heart hurt more. I wonder what life would be like with all 3 of you. Was this how it was going to be all along, or did one decision change the course? The answer I wish everyday for. I am happy... Most days. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. If I am happy does that mean I have moved on? I don't want to. I feel like if I move forward I will be leaving you behind. I wanted to post this song on May 13th. . Somedays the words hit home, somedays they feel like the past. I love you Dylan. Just as much as the day I met you. Just as much as the last time I saw you. Love MOM 5/20/13 Will the Sun Ever Shine Again by Bonnie Raitt Rain is pourin' down like the heavens are hurtin'. Seems like it's been dark since the devil knows when. How do you go on, never knowin' for certain, Will the sun ever shine again? Fells like it's been years since it started to thunder. Clouds are campin' out in the valley and glen. How do you go on, when you can't help but wonder. Will the sun ever shine again? What if the rain keeps fallin'? What if the sky stays gray? What if the wind keeps squallin', And never go away? Maybe the soon the storm will be tired of blowin'. Maybe soon it all will be over, amen. How do you go on, if there's no way of knowin'? Will the sun ever shine? Wish I could say. Send me a sign- One little ray. Lord, if you're list'nin', how long until then? Will the sun ever shine again? Close
Thank You  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Thank You  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
Thank you to everyone who helped us reach our goal with the Daisies for Dylan Flower-power Fundraiser. We truly appreciate your support. Marcus & Sabrina 🌼 Close
You are my sunshine  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
You are my sunshine  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
You are my sunshine My sunshine You make me happy When skies are grey You'll never know dear How much I love you So please don't take My sunshine Away The other night dear As I lay sleeping I dreamed I held you in my arms When I awakened I was mistaken And I held My head And cried You are my sunshine My sunshine You make me happy When skies are grey You'll never know dear How much I love you Please don't take My sunshine Away I love you. Love Mom 4/29/13 Close
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
This song reminds me of you but more so of grandpa Jack. I miss you both so much. Sometimes I imagine these letters flying up to heaven with little wings. Nutty? Yes. But whatever gets you through. Somedays I wish I could scream so loud and so hard that all the pain in my heart would rise out and disappear into the wind. Tim McGraw -My Old Friend My old friend, I recall The times we had hanging on my wall I wouldn't trade them for gold Cause they laugh and they cry me Somehow sanctify me They're woven in the stories I have told And tell again My old friend, I apologize For the years that have passed Since the last time you and I Dusted off those memories But the running and the races The people and the places There's always somewhere else I had to be Time gets slim, my old friend Don't know why, don't know why Don't know why, don't know why My old friend, this song's for you Cause a few simple verses Was the least that I could do To tell the world that you were here Cause the love and the laughter Will live on long after All of the sadness and the tears We'll meet again, my old friend Goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye My old friend, my old friend Goodbye, goodbye Love Mom 4/27/13 Close
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
At the end of life, what really matters is not what we bought but what we built. Not what we got but what we shared; not our competence but our character; and not our success but our significance. Live a life that matters. ( unknown) Close
Flower Power Fundraiser:Daisies for Dylan  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)  Read >>
Flower Power Fundraiser:Daisies for Dylan  / Sabrina McNeil (Mom)
Our organization needs your help. For every purchase made on this site Flower Power Fundraising will give 50% back to The Dylan McNeil Foundation. Read through this page and see how you can help today! http://www.flowerpowerfundraising.com/campaign?campaign_id=13436 Close
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (MOM)  Read >>
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (MOM)
Funny thing about grief, you never know when its going to sneak up on you. Was at a gathering this weekend, for something completely unrelated to you. The guest speaker was an inspiring man. I feel blessed to have met him. He had been in a terrible accident, a long road of recovery, and was now standing in front of us sharing his story. I was aware that he was going to speak, and knew somewhat of the story. What I was not prepared for were the images on the screen. Wham! And it hit me hard. Images so similiar to yours in the hospital, similiar tests done, similiar diagnosis of recovery. And there he was. Standing and speaking in front of me. A miracle. And i lost it. Somedays i can share your story with dry eyes. And then there are days that completely take me off guard without a warning. An instant crash that i cant control. In a room full of maybe 50 people, i hit bottom. My old friends, regret and guilt sat with me. Anger was close by. And then worry came to visit, worried that someone would see me loose control. I needed to escape desperatly, but couldnt just get up and leave as this man was speaking to us about life. He had a great message to share.

Not the same is what daddy keeps telling me. But i feel myself in a funk again. Questioning everything again. Like i am starting over again. I truly hope i did not disrupt anyone trying to listen. This mans story is one that needs to be heard. One I need to hear also. Except i didnt. I couldnt get passed the heartache. I couldnt hear the good.

I know i will hear stories all through out my life. I know i need to find a better way to deal with it. To deal with what has happened. I do see the good in my life. I see them everyday. And everyday i am thankful. But i see the bad right along side of it. And thats not a healthy way to live. In fear, anger and regret. I do feel as if life is looking brighter more and more these days. 2 steps forward, 1 step back???

I love you baby. Missing you, Love, MOM 1/21/13

"It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~Colette"


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Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (mom)  Read >>
Stinky D  / Sabrina McNeil (mom)
Took you your Christmas tree. Brother and sister decorated it for you. When we got there, Maddy kept saying " I don't see Dylan, I can't find him". Of course that lump in my throat appeared. This Christmas is different. There is a little more joy and smiles as sissy discovers Santa and Frosty. We got a new puppy and I can just see you playing with him. Hear you giggling. Really missing you. Your stocking is hung by the chimney with care in hope that St Nicholas will bring you back here. Love you baby. Love MOM 12/17/12 Close
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